The life I NEVER dream of.
I have had this recurring dream for the past year or two. It is a dream about my first boyfriend. My first heartbreak.
And just so we are all on the same page, I was a late bloomer. I was a
Sophomore in college before I had my first boyfriend. So this heartbreak
was the real deal.
In my dream, I am very acutely aware of the fact that my boyfriend has just broken up with me and left me with that soul crushing, mind aching, barely breathing heart ache that we have all had. The scene always varies, but the feelings and the pain and loneliness are always the same. And the ending is ALWAYS the same. Just as I become completely aware that I am sad, lonely, alone - without a family, without a love, without kids (and I am in my 40's in this dream) - I wake up.
The problem with this dream is that when I wake up, I am sad. It takes me a while to shake off all of those feelings. And for the past year, I have had this thought that I must be lonely in my real life and that is why I am dreaming this dream - over and over again. Isn't that what they say - our dreams tell us a lot about what we subconsciously think and feel?
Last night, my husband reached over and held my hand and spent 10 minutes telling me how much I was loved and all the people in my life who adore me. And then I fell asleep and had the dream again.
But this time it was different. Not the dream, but what I thought when I woke up. For the first time - EVER - I woke up from this dream and had the immediate thought of - "Oh my God ... I am NOT sad or lonely in my REAL life. I DO have a family and a love and 2 amazing kids!"
I HAVE the life that I NEVER dream of!
Sweet Jesus on a bicycle! My life is better than a dream! How have I missed this for so long. Why did I waste so much of this past year trying to figure out what was making me so unhappy and not see that my fear and sadness was really JUST a dream?
Now, don't get me wrong. This year has been filled with loss and grief and sadness and pain that is straight up legit REAL. Those feelings and struggles are here, they are real and they are kicking my ass some days.
But I realized this morning that the thing that was suffocating my heart wasn't the grief of losing my mom suddenly, or the pain of watching a dear friend lose her daughter or having to say goodbye to my first fur baby - it was the fear of being alone. And that fear was making me miss out on seeing all the love that I am surrounded by daily.
I am NOT alone. We are NOT alone.
I know that life can change in a heart beat. I know that it isn't all rainbows and sunshine. (Yes, honey, I do know this although I really hate to believe it!) I know that there is pain and hurt and sadness and anger and fear and loneliness and heart break. But I also know that there is joy and goodness and love and strength and kindness and laughter and magic and togetherness. All of these real-life feelings that we ALL have is what ensures us that we will never, ever be alone. There will always be someone out there who can sit by you and hold your hand and tell you that you are loved and adored.
And that, my friends, is something to dream about.